I’ve been thinking about this for months now and i guess i just need to get it off my chest. i don’t enjoy kpop the way i used to and while the toxicity of fandom spaces definitely played a part in that, i also have to admit that i wasn’t always an innocent bystander. i’ve said and done things in the past that i regret and looking back, i hate how much i let fandom drama and other people’s opinions influence the way i felt about certain idols.
one thing i’ve been struggling with is resentment toward a particular idol. they haven’t personally done anything to me, but over time, i’ve associated them with certain experiences, frustrations and negative things that happened in fandom spaces. the complicated part is that this idol is connected to my current ult bias, so it’s been difficult trying to understand why i feel this way. sometimes i can recognize that my resentment isn’t entirely fair, but that doesn’t mean i can immediately make it go away. i’ll come across something related to them, remember everything i’ve associated with them and suddenly find myself feeling the same way all over again.
i’ve actually experienced something similar years ago when i disliked another idol for an immature reason related to my old bias. looking back, i can recognize how much internalized misogyny influenced my feelings toward her. i don’t feel that way about her anymore and that was around eight years ago, so i know people can outgrow these things. but now that i’m dealing with resentment again, i’m frustrated with myself because i thought i’d know how to handle it better by now. i don’t want to keep judging someone based on things that have little to do with who they actually are and i definitely don’t want my personal frustrations to become their problem.
i think part of the issue is that i became too emotionally invested in fandom spaces. i’d see people praising certain idols or talking about things that frustrated me and instead of disagreeing and moving on, i’d let those feelings affect how i saw the idols themselves. sometimes i couldn’t even separate my genuine opinions from the negativity i’d picked up along the way. i know i don’t have to agree with every opinion or participate in every discussion, but it’s taken me a while to realize that constantly exposing myself to things that upset me isn’t going to help me feel any better. other people’s opinions are outside my control, and i don’t want to keep letting them dictate my feelings toward someone.
another thing i’ve been struggling with is the guilt i have over my past behavior. i keep replaying things i’ve said or done, cringing at my past self and wishing i could go back and handle things differently. sometimes i genuinely wonder whether i’ve grown as a person or if i’m still repeating the same patterns without realizing it. i’ve been trying to move forward for months, but there are days when i still blame myself for everything and feel embarrassed about the person i used to be. it’s exhausting because i want to learn from my mistakes, but i also don’t know how to stop punishing myself for them 😭
sometimes i even miss the pre-pandemic/2020 era because i remember being a much more peaceful fan back then. i wasn’t as involved in negativity and kpop didn’t affect my emotions or my perception of other people to this extent. i keep comparing who i was back then to who i became later, and i end up wishing i could return to that version of myself. but i’m slowly realizing that i can’t change what happened, and constantly looking back isn’t going to undo anything either. i can acknowledge that i’ve done things wrong without treating my past self like someone i’m supposed to hate forever.
i’ve also had some bad experiences in this particular fandom and lost friends along the way, which is another reason i’ve been distancing myself. i’ve started removing apps that bring back embarrassing memories and blocked certain people, not necessarily because i hate them, but because i don’t want to keep exposing myself to things that pull me back into the same mindset. i’m trying to see it as setting boundaries rather than running away from everything. i know i can’t control how people from my past perceive me, but sometimes i still catch myself wondering whether they dislike me because of how i acted before, whether they think i’m arrogant or whether they’ll always associate me with the person i used to be.
i used to be much more unbothered by what people thought of me, so it’s frustrating that i now spend so much time worrying about how i’m perceived. i don’t even know if the people i’m worried about still think about me, but my mind keeps going back to those memories anyway. i want to stop living as if i constantly have to prove that i’ve changed. i know growth isn’t about becoming a completely different person overnight or never making another mistake. i just want to become more aware of my behavior, understand why i react the way i do, and learn to respond differently instead of immediately falling back into old habits.
honestly, i think i’m also trying to figure out who i am outside of fandom spaces. i still love the idol i’ve supported for years and part of me doesn’t want to give that up, but i don’t want my attachment to them to become a reason i stay in an environment that’s no longer good for me. i want to be able to support the people i like without constantly comparing them to others, getting frustrated over fandom discussions, or feeling responsible for defending them. maybe i need to take a step back for a while and learn how to enjoy things without getting so emotionally caught up in everything surrounding them.
i’m also starting to wonder whether i’m simply outgrowing kpop and honestly, i’m okay with that possibility. it doesn’t mean the things i enjoyed before weren’t meaningful to me. it’s just that something that used to make me happy doesn’t necessarily have to remain a huge part of my life forever. the problem is that i struggle to find new hobbies because i get bored easily and end up doomscrolling again 😭 i’d like to try therapy eventually, too, but i’m not sure i can afford it right now. for now, i’m trying to distance myself from the spaces that make me feel worse and find other things to focus on.
i guess what i really want is to find my own spark again. i want to stop letting old experiences dictate how i see people today, especially people who haven’t personally hurt me. i want to learn to acknowledge my feelings without automatically acting on them and to take accountability for my past without letting guilt consume me. i can understand that making mistakes doesn’t mean someone is incapable of growing when it comes to other people, but it’s so much harder to give myself that same understanding.
has anyone else gone through something similar? how did you deal with resentment toward an idol when you realized it was more connected to your own experiences and associations than to anything they actually did? and how did you stop obsessing over your past behavior and worrying about how people from old fandom spaces might still perceive you?
i don’t expect to suddenly stop feeling this way overnight, and i know i can’t force myself to heal on a timeline. i just don’t want to keep carrying all this resentment, guilt and anxiety around with me. i want to move forward, enjoy things without losing myself in them, and become someone i’m genuinely more comfortable with. i know i can’t change who i was, but i hope i can stop letting that version of me decide who i get to be now 😭
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