I honestly don’t even know where to begin because there’s so much I’ve been wanting to get off my chest, and I’ve been going back and forth about whether I should even post this. But I guess I’ll give it a try because I really want to know if anyone else has experienced something similar.
Ever since I got into K-pop, one of my biggest regrets has been not getting into it earlier, even though I knew about it for years. I just wasn’t particularly attracted to it back then. There’s this saying that you don’t necessarily find BTS, they find you, and honestly, that’s exactly how it felt for me. BTS found me at a time when I really needed something to hold on to. Maybe I wasn’t at my absolute lowest when I discovered them, but when I eventually reached that point, they were one of the lights that helped me through it. And ever since then, K-pop has become such a huge part of my life.
I also have a very overactive mind. I’m constantly thinking about the past, the future, things I could’ve done differently, things I should be doing and even things that aren’t remotely within my control. I overthink the smallest things, and this is really tiring at times. For example, if something is happening to an idol I’m attached to, I find myself worrying about it even though it has absolutely nothing to do with my personal life. My brain genuinely never seems to have an off switch.
But one thing I’ve noticed is that I find a lot of comfort in listening to idols talk about their childhoods and the things they used to love before becoming idols. Sunghoon with figure skating, Jungwon with Taekwondo, Jay and his guitar, Kazuha and ballet, Yunjin and opera, James and ice hockey, Keonho and swimming. There are SOOO many examples. And I find it genuinely fascinating how everyone had something of their own, something they practised, something they enjoyed and something that became a part of them.
And every single time I hear these stories, I end up feeling a little sad about my own childhood.
I’m still a teenager, so obviously I’m not saying my life is over or that I can’t learn anything now. But I can’t help wishing I’d had those opportunities when I was younger. I genuinely love sports. I enjoy badminton, basketball and even football, despite not having played it much. I wish I’d tried Taekwondo, swimming, skating or even something like ballet etc. I wish I’d learned an instrument, explored different extracurricular activities and had the chance to discover what I was actually good at.
And I think there’s another reason why I feel this way.
I genuinely look back at my childhood self and sometimes think about how awkward, cringe and clueless I was. I was honestly such an idiot in certain situations, and I don’t mean that in a funny, nostalgic way. I think a lot of it had to do with the environment I grew up in. My household was quite different from what I gradually realised other households were like.
Before COVID, I didn’t really question much. I was an obedient child, and I mostly assumed that whatever my parents said or did was simply how things were supposed to be. I’d see things on YouTube or notice how other families functioned, but I never thought too deeply about it. It was particularly after COVID that I gradually started becoming more aware of how different things could be. I started noticing how other teenagers were raised, the independence they had, the activities they participated in, the experiences they got to have and even the amount of privacy they were given.
And the more I noticed, the more I started realising how much I’d missed out on.
For context, I live away from my homeland. My father has a stable job, and we aren’t necessarily in a position where we can’t afford basic opportunities. However, we rarely go out as a family, and we’ve never really travelled to other countries. We mostly stay home.
I’m not saying travelling or going on expensive holidays is what makes a childhood good. In fact, I genuinely enjoy spending time with my cousins. Going to their houses is probably one of the most exciting things I look forward to. That’s what I’ve grown up enjoying, and I don’t even know what other experiences might feel like because I haven’t really had them.
But sometimes I wonder how different my childhood could’ve been if we’d been encouraged to explore more things.
Another thing is that my parents frequently remind us about how much money they’ve spent on our education, our tuition and everything else. There’s always this emphasis on how much they’re investing in us and how we should be achieving better results. And while I understand that education is important and I’m grateful that they’ve provided it, I sometimes feel like there’s so much more to raising children than paying for their education and because of this constant pressure on having to give back I started to not want to go outside or anywhere wondering how much it would cost.
You can’t constantly tell children that they should be doing better academically without necessarily helping them understand HOW to do better. You can’t keep telling them to be physically active without actually encouraging them to participate in sports. You can’t complain that they have no hobbies or extracurricular activities when they were never really given the guidance or opportunities to discover any.
And this is something I’ve experienced quite a lot.
I also have three younger brothers, and I’m the only girl. Being the eldest daughter comes with its own expectations, and sometimes I feel like I’ve had to grow up much earlier than I should have. I find myself worrying about things that other girls my age don’t seem particularly bothered about. While they’re being carefree, having fun and not thinking too much about what teachers or other people might say, I’m constantly anticipating problems and worrying about what could go wrong.
I know I can come across as quite strong on the outside, but internally, I’m honestly much more sensitive than people might assume.
And somehow, the responsibility of being the eldest has also shifted onto me in ways I don’t think are particularly fair. My parents sometimes complain that my brothers don’t have enough activities, don’t know certain things or haven’t developed particular habits, and somehow I’m expected to have guided them towards all of that.
But I was a child too???
I was also growing up, figuring things out and learning about the world. How was I supposed to know everything when nobody had properly taught me in the first place? Sometimes it feels like I was expected to be more mature than my actual age, and now I’m being criticised for not having been mature enough when I was younger.
And the thing is, my parents don’t always understand that there’s a difference between telling children what to do and actually raising them in an environment where they can develop those habits.
For example, my parents would tell us to eat healthier, get better grades, develop better manners and participate in activities. But actually implementing those things, finding alternatives, providing guidance and encouraging us consistently wasn’t always the case.
Now that we’re older, those same things are brought up as shortcomings.
I also feel like there’s quite a significant generational gap between my parents and me. They got married relatively late and I think their upbringing has influenced their parenting style quite a lot. They’re very traditional, and sometimes I feel like they struggle to understand even the smallest things from our perspective.
Even something as simple as clothing and personal style becomes an issue. My mother particularly has certain expectations about how daughters should dress, and she sometimes treats me like I’m still a little child. She believes daughters should follow their mothers’ choices, but I want to have some independence over my own clothing and personal preferences. And honestly, sometimes the outfits she suggests are just so awkward and outdated to me.
It’s not that I want to disrespect her or reject everything she says. I just want to be allowed to develop my own sense of identity.
And then there’s the privacy situation.
This is something that genuinely affects me more than I can explain. Although our house has three proper bedrooms, all six of us sleep in ONE bedroom. Me, my three younger brothers and both my parents.
Yes, we have other rooms. It’s not that we physically don’t have the space. My father simply believes that everyone sleeping together keeps the family closer and that having separate rooms would create distance between us.
I’ve been asking for my own room since I was little (not even joking when i say 6), and I’ve never really been able to understand why such a simple request is considered unnecessary. I’ve visited friends’ houses and my mother’s friends’ houses, and I’ve seen teenagers with their own rooms, their own space and somewhere they can just be themselves.
And now I’m almost an adult, yet I still don’t have that.
I don’t think people realise how important having personal space is, especially when you’re growing up. Sometimes you just want to sit somewhere without someone watching you, commenting on what you’re doing or interrupting your thoughts. Sometimes you want to regulate your emotions without having to explain yourself to everyone.
I genuinely feel like the only place I can go when I need to be alone is the bathroom.
There is so much criticism and commentary in our household. Everyone has something to say about someone else’s actions, and there’s very little understanding of giving each other space. What’s particularly frustrating is that my parents sometimes complain about us not respecting privacy, but I don’t feel like I receive the same consideration myself.
My brothers are younger, and I understand that they don’t necessarily know better. I was once like that too. But that’s exactly my point. We needed to be taught these things.
And sometimes the whole environment feels so suffocating. I don’t feel like I have somewhere I can genuinely retreat to, collect my thoughts and just exist without being interrupted.
Another thing that has affected how I view adulthood is marriage. Honestly, the thought of getting married sometimes scares me. I haven’t really grown up seeing many examples of particularly healthy marriages within my family or extended family. From what I’ve observed, marriage often seems to become an endless cycle of responsibilities, household chores, cooking, cleaning, raising children and putting your own life on the back burner.
I know that’s not what every marriage looks like, and I don’t want to generalise, but those are the examples I’ve grown up around.
If I would ever had children, I would want them to have a different childhood. I wouldn’t want to simply tell them what they should and shouldn’t do. I’d want to actually provide them with opportunities, encourage them to explore different interests, participate in sports, learn instruments, develop healthy habits and build their confidence.
I want them to have guidance rather than just expectations.
And I think that’s what I wish I’d received more of.
Sometimes I feel guilty even writing all of this because whenever I start thinking about the things I didn’t have, I immediately remind myself that my parents have done a lot for me. There are people who don’t even have access to the educational opportunities or financial support that I’ve received, and I understand that. I really do.
But does being grateful mean I have to pretend that everything was okay?
I can appreciate what my parents have provided while also acknowledging the things that have hurt me. I don’t think those feelings have to cancel each other out.
I also feel like I’ve spent so much time being criticised that my confidence has taken a hit. My mother sometimes asks why I’m not more confident, but I genuinely believe confidence is something that develops through your environment, encouragement and the way people treat you. It’s difficult to build confidence when you constantly feel like you’re being judged, corrected or made to feel inadequate.
And I think that’s partly why I feel so lost now.
I don’t know what my hobbies are. I don’t know what I’m particularly good at. I like a lot of things, but I haven’t explored enough of them to know whether I genuinely enjoy them. If someone asks me about my interests, I struggle to give a proper answer.
I want to be someone who can play multiple sports, dance, sing, play instruments and have different skills. Not necessarily to impress people or become exceptionally talented, but because I want to experience those things. I want to have something that belongs to me, something I’ve worked on and something I can feel proud of.
I sometimes see idols who are good at so many different things, and I find myself wishing I could’ve had similar experiences growing up. I know we’re only seeing certain aspects of their lives, and I’m not oblivious to that. But hearing about their childhood passions makes me realise how much I wish I’d explored my own interests earlier.
And I know I’m still young. I know I can start now. But between school, studies and everything else, it sometimes feels overwhelming trying to figure out where to begin. I also can’t help grieving the experiences I wish I’d had, even though I know I can’t go back and have them.
I think if I could change one thing about my childhood, it would be having an environment where I felt encouraged to explore, make mistakes, develop my own personality and simply be a child without constantly worrying about expectations and responsibilities.
I don’t necessarily wish for a perfect childhood. I just wish I’d had more room to be a child.
I’m also aware that I’ve written a LOT, and honestly, I was quite nervous about posting something this personal. I don’t want this to come across as me simply blaming my parents or pretending that they’ve never done anything for me. I just feel like I’ve kept so many of these thoughts to myself for so long that I needed somewhere to put them.
Thanks for reading
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