lately i’ve been thinking abt the money i’ve spent on kpop merch and other stuff and sometimes i do feel a little guilty or wonder if i should’ve spent it differently. but at the same time, i don’t want to look back on those years and feel like everything was a waste just bc i’ve had some bad experiences along the way.
i’ve been a kpop fan for years and tbh, it made me happy during times when things irl weren’t going so well. i’ve bought merch and even tried paid fan messages once just to experience what it was like and it was actually nice haha bc i was a broke kpop fan i was jealous of not being able to be like other kpop fans who can afford merch or going to concerts (my money is still not enough for this even if i already have my own adult money bc i prioritize to pay my own bills and other stuff that is probably more important for me and i have limited budget). i don’t want to regret every little thing i’ve spent money on or act like those experiences meant nothing to me just bc things eventually got complicated.
i think part of the problem is that i got too caught up in the more negative side of fandom culture, esp fanwars and all the drama. looking back, i feel like i spent too much time focusing on things that weren’t even good for me and i hate how i handled certain situations. i know i have my own mistakes to take accountability for and i’m not trying to blame the entire fandom or anyone else for what happened. it’s just hard when i look back at my past self and cringe so badly at some of the things i did 😭
sometimes i end up questioning whether all those years of supporting someone or a group were worth it and i hate that i’m even thinking that way bc i genuinely loved being a fan. i don’t want a few bad experiences or my own mistakes to ruin the good memories i had, but it’s difficult to separate those things when they all feel connected now.
i know i can’t change the past and i genuinely want to learn from the things i did wrong. i just don’t want to keep beating myself up over it forever. there’s a difference between acknowledging that you messed up and constantly reminding yourself of it until you can’t even enjoy things you used to love anymore and i feel like i’ve been stuck doing the latter.
has anyone else experienced this? how do you move forward from past mistakes in a fandom without feeling like you wasted years of your life supporting someone you genuinely cared about? i want to take accountability and grow as a person, but i also want to remember the good parts without feeling guilty or cringing at myself every time the past comes back to mind 💔
submitted by /u/katrinasimba
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