I know this is weird and I am not sure if I’ll be able to explain this feeling, I hope I am successful.
I KNOW kpop idols are put to unrealistic beauty standards, I know its toxic, I know beauty isn’t all that matters, I know one shouldn’t be insecure about their looks, I know weight of a person doesn’t matter, I know its a curated image with makeup and lighting and shots etc.
I just KNOW all that…and yet…I was not so hyper aware of my size, weight or looks before I started watching kpop, I was young back then, it’s been 7 yrs since I have been in this fandom. In the beginning there was a phase of 2-3 yrs of my life where I was super conscious about my weight, my color, my looks, how i am not pretty etc…
I am older now, but I still struggle with body image. I didn’t use to have it back when I was young, but after kpop … those first 2-3 yrs were pretty hard, later I realised all the other things, I saw people online calling out some of the toxic stuff going around, I told myself I am not ugly etc..then life got busy i guess??
But even today, everytime I look at female kpop idols, I always go “Oh i wish i was this beautiful” or “She looks unreal”
I have these thoughts like “momo didn’t eat anything but ice cubes for a day” I could do same too, or other such thoughts related to ED, or body dysmorphia.
I have stopped taking photos of mine, I dont wear clothes that are short or expose my thighs or arms not because I am not allowed (my family’s chill) but because I feel insecure in them. Everytime, in Youtube, instagram, tiktok, everywhere where I follow my biases, I see their photos, their clothes, their beautiful faces and thin/skinny bodies and all. And it just keeps getting worst every time I see some female idol’s insta post or update and they are just — perfect. Perfect and ethereal looking in EVERY sense, from eyes, to lips, to toes, to arms and hairstyle. Everything is just so very attractive to look at. And then I look in the mirror and it’s like looking at trash.
Even though, I know its makeup, lighting, stylists (paid that too) and all…yet I just feel so insecure and small and ugly.
I am not fair skinned, I am not skinny either, if anything I am 64 kg at just 5’4 height. I don’t have smooth toned legs, and I do not feel beautiful in my own body.
Usually I ignore these feelings and just move on with life, but some days, like today, it feels heavier than usual. At first it was hate for my body for a long time, but now I am just sad and wistful.
Any advices? Anyone else who feels like this too, what did you do to get out of this feeling?
How to truly love yourself even after constantly having feed full of such ethereal looking people (Female kpop idols)?
DISCLAIMER: This is not me blaming idols themselves or saying they’re responsible for my insecurities. I know many of them are under intense pressure too. I’m more talking about how constantly consuming highly curated beauty-focused content has affected me personally over the years. I know these are unhealthy thoughts and I would never encourage them, but sometimes my brain still compares me in that way anyway.
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